so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
