Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
