The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
