My liver just broke up with me...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
