you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
