I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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