I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
