i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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