so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
