Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
