I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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