Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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