My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
