My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
