When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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