You just made me feel so damn special
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
