I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
