You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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