This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
