I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sext me about skeletons
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
