Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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