The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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