I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
