Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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