he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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