I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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