wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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