I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
