so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
