I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
