dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
