My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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