Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
