Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
