If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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