god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
