I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
