guys are only as good as the porn they watch
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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