Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
