Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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