I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
