Tell her she can't have a vagina
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
