You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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