so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize