so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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