I want to walk on stilts...naked
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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