CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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