Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
