you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
