The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
