so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
