eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
