i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
