my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
