so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
