Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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