I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
